Hokey Holidays

Excellence isn’t everything when it comes to holiday viewing. Sometimes you just want junk food, guilty pleasures, the misfit toys in the seasonal cinematic toybox. Shows rich in Vitamin “C”—as in Christmassy, corny, cheesy and campy. For some happily hokey holiday viewing, check out the following:

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964 movie) 

This oddball camp classic features Martians trying to enslave Santa Claus in an effort to export Christmas to Mars, where Santa teaches them the true meaning of the holidays with the help of peppy theme music, idealistic children and not-so-special effects.  

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978 TV movie)

So bad it’s never been re-aired or released on home video since its 1970s debut—“It was so awful,” says cast member Anthony Daniels (C-3PO)—this unholy stew of attempted comedy, animation, celebrity guests and musical numbers lingers online in zombie-like bootleg form, though its animation—featuring the first appearance of Boba Fett—has also been released on Disney+. 

Yogi’s First Christmas (1980 TV movie)

A McQuaid household holiday staple, this Yogi Bear special has a relentlessly corny script, a meanderingly repetitive plot, mostly forgettable music, an alarmingly romantically predatory Cindy Bear, and basic animation only slightly above the usual standards of legendarily corner-cutting TV animation producers Hanna-Barbera; but HB has a stable of funny, charming, well-designed, well-voiced characters, so a heartwarming holiday hangout with folks like Yogi, Boo Boo, Huckleberry Hound, Snagglepuss, Augie Doggie & Doggie Daddy is fun even in a vehicle this rickety. 

The Smurfs Christmas Special (1982 TV special) 

What’s better than a holiday tale pitting those cute little blue Smurfs against their wizard archfoe Gargamel yet again? How about the bonus villainy of a thinly disguised Satan (voiced by an amply sinister Rene Auberjonois)? The Smurfs vs. Satan is the holiday gift we never knew we needed…

G.I. Joe – “ Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town “ (S1E39-1985)

Cobra terrorists use a size-changing ray to infiltrate G.I. Joe HQ disguised as toys gathered by the Joes for charity. A scenery-chewing Cobra Commander leads a takeover of the base, but the Joes prevail through the power of holiday spirit, product placement and a helpful gigantic parrot. 

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985 TV special) 

Derived from TV fantasy adventure cartoons He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and She-Ra: Princess of Power, this cornball nonsense sees stranded Earth kids bring Christmas cheer to He-Man’s home planet Eternia. Highlights include villain Skeletor trying in vain to resist the influence of the holiday spirit, whining: “I don’t like to feel good. I like to feel evil.” 

X-Men – “Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas” (S4E12-1995)

Sentiment about as subtle as an anvil suffuses this earnestly melodramatic holiday episode of the original X-Men animated series, as the team’s last-minute Christmas shopping is interrupted by a crisis in the Morlocks’ underground mutant community. 

Holiday Romances (various years) 

The romantic Christmas movie subgenre dates back to 1940s cinematic gems like Remember the Night (1940), The Shop Around the Corner (1940), Christmas in Connecticut (1945) and Holiday Affair (1949), but lately has been dominated by an endless stream of low-budget, oft-cheesy, made-for-TV films on platforms like the Hallmark Channel and Netflix. 

Favourite modern hokey examples of the form in the McQuaid household include A Carol Christmas (2003), in which Tori Spelling’s Scrooge-like TV host finds love and holiday spirit with the aid of ghosts played by the likes of Gary Coleman and William Shatner; Christmas Caper (2006), my wife’s favourite holiday movie, in which Shannen Doherty’s cynical fugitive thief finds refuge and romance in her hometown Comfort while babysitting her sister’s kids; A Nutcracker Christmas (2016), the sweet but wildly implausible ballerina comeback story elevated by its eternally underrated star Amy Acker; and Christmas at the Drive-In (2022), an amiably contrived Danica McKellar vehicle that improbably combines my favorite holiday with my favorite way to watch movies.